Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I am a guy, and my boyfriend of three years is wonderful. I love him so much and want to spend my life with him. We are compatible in our beliefs and values, and even on things we disagree on, we remain respectful and work to find solutions rather than dwelling on problems.
His presence alone is enough to relax me on my most stressful days without even saying a word. We’ve been talking about marriage, and we have been living together for a year, and I want to run full ahead into this next chapter of our life.
But there’s one problem. He won’t kiss me! When we had our first few dates and he didn’t make a move to kiss me, I thought it was a cute and gentlemanly thing to do and that he might be old-fashioned like that. Skip forward some months into our relationship and when he still hadn’t made a move to kiss me, I decided to make the move. He recoiled and immediately apologized saying that he had issues with “mouth stuff” and that he could not do kissing or other oral stuff. At the time, he seemed so frazzled and sincere that I told him it was ok and that it wasn’t a problem without really thinking about it. I asked his sister about this years into the relationship, and she nodded and said “that makes sense.” She then went on to explain he’s always been weird about his mouth and recalled the constant struggle of their mother to get him to brush his teeth (don’t worry, he brushes his teeth on his own now but he looks on the verge of tears every time he does it). He won’t even kiss people on the cheek or let them kiss him. Their childhood doctor had recommended seeing a therapist, but their mother hadn’t been able to afford it when they were younger.
Well, three years into this relationship, and I think it is a problem: I’ve now gone three years without a romantic kiss. I once tried to sneak a kiss to show him it wasn’t as bad as he thought, and he threw up. On the surface it isn’t that bad; honestly, I don’t think about it constantly like something I’d die without. But from time to time, I find myself wanting to kiss my boyfriend. I’ve thought about bringing up going to therapy about it, but it feels like I’d be doing that only for selfish reasons. He seems to have no desire to change this aspect of his life. I don’t know if this is a deal-breaker, but I know it’s something I’m going to miss, and I feel uneasy picturing a future without ever kissing my future husband. How can I bring up that he should see a therapist about it without it sounding like an ultimatum? Is this even a thing that a therapist would be able to help with? I honestly haven’t ever heard of anyone else going through this. And if not, any tips for a marriage without kisses?
—My Boyfriend Won’t Kiss Me
Dear Kiss Me,
Unfortunately, when you forcibly kissed your boyfriend, knowing how uncomfortable it made him—so uncomfortable that it caused him to vomit!—you did some damage to your standing as a person who could gently coax him to seek help. It’s still worth a try, but start with a sincere apology for that incident and a promise that it won’t happen again.
This is obviously deeply sensitive and highly charged for him, and he’s going to have to feel comfortable and safe if he’s even going to begin to hear what you’re telling him about how his anxiety around “mouth stuff” affects you. And when it comes to what exactly you should say, you’re right that it can’t be an ultimatum. In fact, I don’t even know if it should center on a strong push to therapy. Instead, you should communicate as succinctly as possible about how the no-kiss policy is affecting you, and ask him if he has any openness at all to discussing it or getting help. Try something that combines a lot of what you said in your letter, like:
“I’ve now gone three years without a romantic kiss. On the surface it isn’t that bad—honestly, I don’t think about it constantly like something I’d die without. But I love you, and from time to time I find myself wanting to kiss you. I don’t know if this is a deal-breaker because our relationship as a whole is so good, but it could become one. That’s because it’s something I’m going to miss, and I feel uneasy picturing a future without ever kissing my husband. I know it’s a sensitive issue, and I’ve been way too pushy about it in the past, but I wanted to be honest about where I stand and the concerns it brings up about our path forward together. I don’t want to bully you or make you do anything that doesn’t feel right. As I think about this, it would help me to know whether it’s something you’d be open to getting professional support for.”
Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence”
Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.
Dear Prudence,
I have a first-world question. I travel extensively for work and am often gifted with traditional clothing. Think keffiyeh in Saudi Arabia, vyshyvanka in Ukraine, hanbok in Korea. They are usually very beautiful, but I’m at a loss as to what to do with them when I get home. Can I somehow use or wear them without seeming to appropriate the culture?
—Drowning in Clothes
Dear Prudence,
What, if anything, is appropriate to say to a close friend who has recently lost a ton of weight as a result of implementing different or healthier routines into their life? I’m wary of the double-standard that’s often present in this kind of interaction, in the sense that we tend to compliment people who have lost weight but rarely say the contrary, when weight gain could be just as healthy. I myself recently lost weight and got really into fitness which resulted in people complimenting my change in appearance. I found the comments affirming, encouraging, and was even proud to know that others could see my efforts to get better, but I realize that other people may not feel similarly. In recent years, I’ve seen some of my closest friends’ bodies change after they emerged from major depressive episodes and I couldn’t be happier for them. Is there ever a way to express this respectfully and sensitively? I compliment them on other things, such as a nice sweater or well-prepared meal but have toned down my compliments at times because I worry that they’ll notice I’m complimenting them more than I did when they were a different weight. I also have experience with disordered eating, so I know how easily a “compliment” can become complex in the long term.
—Size Doesn’t Determine Worth but … You Look Great
Dear You Look Great,
Follow your friend’s lead. Not only with size, but with bodies in general (skin, hair, muscle tone, illness, whatever), it’s always a good idea to look for a signal from the other person that they’re open to discussing they’re appearance before you dive in. So if your friend says “I’ve been really focusing on lifting weights lately,” you can say “That’s great. How do you feel?” or “What’s your routine?” or “What playlists do you listen to?” or “I’ve heard that has tons of benefits.” Wait until they say “And I love the way my jeans fit” before saying “Yeah, your quads look phenomenal!” And if your formerly depressed friend looks better after having regained a few pounds, stick to “You’re radiant! I can tell how much better you feel” unless they specifically steer the conversation to the number on the scale. In general, “You look great” is a safe compliment that a person who is proud of the current state of their body will apply to their body, and a person who isn’t focused on their weight can assume it is about their new tubing mascara or something less emotionally charged.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
I really enjoy meeting weekly with five friends at a local bar. We always sit outside since the weather is mild where I live. Three of us smoke cigarettes, but only when we meet. None of our wives would be very happy if they knew we smoked. It averages a pack a month. I decided I want to quit, but I have absolutely no willpower to stop at these get-togethers. I have found the only way to quit is to not attend. I have considered asking my friends not to give me a cigarette when I ask for one, but I don’t want to put my lack of willpower on them. Neither of the smokers wants to quit because they don’t smoke very much. My friends are asking why I have not attended the last few get-togethers. I’ve gone a month now without a cigarette and never want to have another. I miss my friends and it’s good for my mental health to get out of the house once a week. I am certain I will cave in and smoke if I see them smoking in front of me. Please give me some advice or instructions on how to build a time machine so I can go back and tell my 17-year-old self, that first cigarette will lead to 38 years of craving.
—Not My Friends’ Responsibility
Dear Responsibility,
Here is your text: “I miss you guys so much. I’ve been skipping our weekly happy hours because I’m so afraid I’m going to ask for a cigarette when I see you smoking and one of you will give me one. Really struggling with discipline!” It’s the truth! They might respond “We promise we won’t let you touch a cigarette no matter how much you beg” or even “We’re actually fine with not smoking,” “We’ll take turns stepping away to smoke,” or “We can hold off for the first hour so we can at least see you for a little bit.” There is an option. Lots of them. Side note: There’s absolutely no way that your wives don’t know what you’ve been doing.
More Advice From Slate
My stepsister has made everything a competition with me since we were kids. If I got interested in an activity, she became obsessed with it—then there was the inevitable breakdown when I would lose interest or be better than her at it. Once I got a church solo, and she had such a big temper tantrum that the pastor made her leave the building. Our parents never did anything to stop her. As teenagers, she got worse and started to go after any guy I liked. I learned to lie and sneak around to survive the social drama she dragged everywhere. I thought college would mellow her out, but it just made her more manipulative. She started “secretly” dating one of my exes and tried to surprise me with the reveal at a family function. I smiled and gave good wishes to the happy couple. They broke up the next day.
